Ellen – you’re an awesome girl, please don’t do this to another guy. when you leave I will miss you for weeks, maybe months and that is not fair. Neither is life but you can’t avoid life; you can avoid this.

Waiting to discover an infommercial for “insta-growsomeballs”

My thought was “pediatric = smaller, he’s being nice cuz it wouldn’t hurt as bad” but after I responded I realized he was making fun of me, assuming I had a small dick. What an ass (and I made a fool of myself in front of the whole ER staff).

Then earlier, again dropping someone off in another ER, I see a fireman I went to medic school with. One of them who got caught cheating, I believe, mind you. He ignored me until I saw him in the medic rooom (they called me Jesus in class)…
“Jesus!”
“Hey, what’s up, did you goto the EMS BBQ today?”
“Yeah, did you show up late to it?” (I was always late to class).
“*in sarcastic tone* Of course, I have to! I was late all the time because I was always studying before class!”
“You retaking medic school?” (implying I wasn’t smart enough to pass). Then another FF from his department pointed at my medic patch and said “well, he’s got the patch right there…” in my defense.
“Are you kidding? I passed with flying colors!” (Couldn’t think of anything better – I have a lack of wit).

Made fun of 2 times in one shift – do I set myself up?

I feel like I’m slowly drifting towards obvlivion. What keeps me together? Sex and video games. How is that keeping me together? I’m fucking fat ugly bitches and escorts. My addiction has switched to sex and drugs. I don’t know if I’m even really an addict. Everything points to “yup he’s an adict!” but am I really? I don’t know. I don’t hang out with friends anymore. Only fat ugly bitches and escorts. I don’t know how to stop. I have this tingly on the skin of my back. It’s very intermittent, but what if have skin cancer. I’m bleeding everytime I take a shit. Is it a poor diet and constipation or do I have colon cancer? a tumor? Why can’t I get myself to see a fucking doctor? I’m not ready. Ready for what? I work as a paramedic for a private ambulance company. every 24 hour shift I despise. It constantly reminds of all my inadequacies. My lack of self-esteem. I miss an IV and I’m worthless. I’m shy and it gets in the way. Everyone thinks I’m a joke. I hate home.I hate the thought of going home after every shift. but I don’t want to stay at work….FUCK. will moving out help me? will it be my ultimate demise – being late. “relapsing” on booz? giving the wrong fat bitch my address? I wish I could quit smoking. it’s impossible to even imagine trying. A nurse at an ER maybe was flirting with me. cute. I was scared. blood coming out of my as – it makes my knees weak. shit, do I have bloody residue leaking from my asshole? I’m scared i will walk around with that nasty bloody-discharge-from-the-vagina pysch patient stank. This has not helped, writing is doing nothing to put me at ease. Maybe I should accept my wretched, suffering existence; everyone dies anyways.

But then again the world doesn’t revolve around me. I’ll never be able to figure you out. I honestly think you don’t like me anymore and really hurts my feelings but I still hold on to the idea you are like this with everyone. Which, anyways, would still make me no one special. I put you at number #2 because I was jealous of everyone who gets to interact with you and I don’t.

That’s it for now.

did I just use the semi-colon right?

I just want her to call me so I can find out if she wants to be my girlfriend. I want that SO bad .

This sex and codependency issue might be from being a dry alcoholic/addict. Maybe I’m in denial. With these thoughts, recently totaling(sp?) my parent’s car, and not getting all my hospital clinicals done I am getting majorly stressed out. Maybe I am not ready mentally to become a paramedic. I am quite worried…and feeling like shit.

Well, while hanging out Monday night I realized that she is worth dating. I love how cute she is. Her petite size, her voice, smile, her innocence. I like how we’re both insecure about ourselves. She is so fucking hot, but doesn’t see it. She is such a wonderful person, I don’t understand why she likes me. But I’m not going to ask questions, because I am willing to do whatever it takes not to lose her. I know that we share similar experiences – her with an eating disorder and me with an addiction (maybe a little bit of an eating disorder too *chuckle*). I did not want to let her go that night.

While on my way home I had become sleepy. I dazed in and out a little bit, though still keeping control over my steering. It was 4:00 AM. After about an hour of driving, I was 10 minutes from home. I had to wake up at 5:30 AM for work. I knew my parents would be angry with me for being out so late and the thought of pulling over and taking a nap my mind had already eliminated as a possible course of action. I’m not really sure about everything that happened next.

I remember the bumps/ridges on the side of the expressway doing their purpose and waking me up as I slowly drifted off to the left side. I think I freaked out, because I swerved to the right, and then lost control trying to overcompensate and swerved back to the left. I remember a semi-truck driving past me on my right. The next thing I remember I was in the grassy median with the airbag deployed. My first thought was “Ohhh fuck I crashed another one of my parents’ cars!! I am soo fucked!!!!! I’m making them go bankrupt!!”. I found my glasses which were thrown off my face and looked for my cellphone, but that had been ejected out of the back window and run over. I got out and smoked a cigarette waiting for someone driving by to call 911.

When the cop came he said the call was sent out as an SUV ROLLOVER. He mentioned later that the witnessess who called it in said I was hit by a semi. First off, my car definitely wasn’t an SUV. The damage, though, seems to suggest the car rolled over. The cop pointed that out. Another idea is that the damage from the back of the car was from the trailer of the semi and then being no rollover. There are more details but I’m going to move on…

I escaped uninjured except for a burn on my arm and the next day a stiff neck. Is it abnormal that I just got out, smoked a cigarette after finding my glasses and didn’t feel the least bit shaken up? Maybe it hasn’t sunken in yet, and won’t until I pass the age of subconsciously thinking I’m invincible.

I got picked up and now it was 6:00 AM and I was suppose to be at work at 7:00. Sitting at the place the car was towed to. There was no way I was going to operating an ambulance. I was seriously doubting at that point whether I should continue pursuing paramedicine. If I can’t seem to make the proper decisions to keep myself from crashing a motor vehicle, then I shouldn’t be driving an ambulance and if I can’t work in the ambulance then I have no other desire to work in healthcare. Mind you the non-driving part of being a paramedic student I am doing just fine with. My parents reassured me that the cause of my accident can be changed, and that shouldn’t stop me from pursuing my goal.

But I digress. I had work in an hour so I called in sick. Now I’m behind in the number of hours needed for my internship. Plus I have been majorly procrastinating with doing the rest of my hospital clinicals. I am not going to have them done on time. My preceptor switched shifts with someone else for tomorrow, so I’m frustrated I don’t get to work with him.

Back to the girl

I really want to be with Jessica. Why isn’t she calling me back? I suddenly have become real clingly. I want to know if that is turning her away. How much she really likes me. Talk to me .

On a positive note – after being with Jessica those two days and losing all my numbers, I stopped caring about always being online to talk to people. I’ve lost the urge to being browsing 5 different dating sites at the same time. To be texting random girls from I’ve met from the internet. Right now I only care about getting a call from Jessica, and maybe also getting my clinicals done on time .

I hope my parents aren’t mad I put up pics of the car.

45 minutes pass – FUCK I’m late.