Felt like shit during shift

I typed the following on my phone during work, I did not proofread it:

I feel like I’m slowly drifting towards obvlivion. What keeps me together? Sex and video games. How is that keeping me together? I’m fucking fat ugly bitches and escorts. My addiction has switched to sex and drugs. I don’t know if I’m even really an addict. Everything points to “yup he’s an adict!” but am I really? I don’t know. I don’t hang out with friends anymore. Only fat ugly bitches and escorts. I don’t know how to stop. I have this tingly on the skin of my back. It’s very intermittent, but what if have skin cancer. I’m bleeding everytime I take a shit. Is it a poor diet and constipation or do I have colon cancer? a tumor? Why can’t I get myself to see a fucking doctor? I’m not ready. Ready for what? I work as a paramedic for a private ambulance company. every 24 hour shift I despise. It constantly reminds of all my inadequacies. My lack of self-esteem. I miss an IV and I’m worthless. I’m shy and it gets in the way. Everyone thinks I’m a joke. I hate home.I hate the thought of going home after every shift. but I don’t want to stay at work….FUCK. will moving out help me? will it be my ultimate demise – being late. “relapsing” on booz? giving the wrong fat bitch my address? I wish I could quit smoking. it’s impossible to even imagine trying. A nurse at an ER maybe was flirting with me. cute. I was scared. blood coming out of my as – it makes my knees weak. shit, do I have bloody residue leaking from my asshole? I’m scared i will walk around with that nasty bloody-discharge-from-the-vagina pysch patient stank. This has not helped, writing is doing nothing to put me at ease. Maybe I should accept my wretched, suffering existence; everyone dies anyways.

~ by ihatemyfuckinglife on April 10, 2008.