Everytime I meet a girl I am attracted to and have enough in common to think there is potential for a relationship, they “have a boyfriend” or abandon me and end up with one. If you are not emotionally available, PLEASE!!!!…Don’t agree to stay over.
Ellen – you’re an awesome girl, please don’t do this to another guy. when you leave I will miss you for weeks, maybe months and that is not fair. Neither is life but you can’t avoid life; you can avoid this.
There’s a new girl at station who gorgeous and she gives me the time of day! She even said I am hilarious. God, she’s so gorgeous. She works the shift after mine and I have found myself more and more only thinking about seeing her as I get off work. I think people are starting to notice I am in the garage or sitting in the station (where ever she is) too coincidentally, to be by her. I’m scared! But I am in lust! What do I do? Word gets around quick here and when gossip happens the ‘victim’ never hears the end of it. I’m afraid to ask her out because of that. FUCK! I see myself as one of the LEAST eligible bachelors for her but that might be my insecurity with girls taking over. What do I have to offer? I’ll probably never do anything and watch her get swepped away (she could already be taken for all I know).
Waiting to discover an infommercial for “insta-growsomeballs”
Just now we brought a patient into an ER. Afterwards I took a piss and when I came out a tech says “Everything come OK?”
Playing along I say -
“*Hesitates* ehhhh I might I need to stay a little while…get checked out..”
“I’ll have to put a foley catheter in…I don’t know if you’d want to!”
“oh..I would love that!”
“OK, I’ll order a pediatric one for you!”
“Awesome!”
My thought was “pediatric = smaller, he’s being nice cuz it wouldn’t hurt as bad” but after I responded I realized he was making fun of me, assuming I had a small dick. What an ass (and I made a fool of myself in front of the whole ER staff).
Then earlier, again dropping someone off in another ER, I see a fireman I went to medic school with. One of them who got caught cheating, I believe, mind you. He ignored me until I saw him in the medic rooom (they called me Jesus in class)…
“Jesus!”
“Hey, what’s up, did you goto the EMS BBQ today?”
“Yeah, did you show up late to it?” (I was always late to class).
“*in sarcastic tone* Of course, I have to! I was late all the time because I was always studying before class!”
“You retaking medic school?” (implying I wasn’t smart enough to pass). Then another FF from his department pointed at my medic patch and said “well, he’s got the patch right there…” in my defense.
“Are you kidding? I passed with flying colors!” (Couldn’t think of anything better – I have a lack of wit).
Made fun of 2 times in one shift – do I set myself up?
I typed the following on my phone during work, I did not proofread it:
I feel like I’m slowly drifting towards obvlivion. What keeps me together? Sex and video games. How is that keeping me together? I’m fucking fat ugly bitches and escorts. My addiction has switched to sex and drugs. I don’t know if I’m even really an addict. Everything points to “yup he’s an adict!” but am I really? I don’t know. I don’t hang out with friends anymore. Only fat ugly bitches and escorts. I don’t know how to stop. I have this tingly on the skin of my back. It’s very intermittent, but what if have skin cancer. I’m bleeding everytime I take a shit. Is it a poor diet and constipation or do I have colon cancer? a tumor? Why can’t I get myself to see a fucking doctor? I’m not ready. Ready for what? I work as a paramedic for a private ambulance company. every 24 hour shift I despise. It constantly reminds of all my inadequacies. My lack of self-esteem. I miss an IV and I’m worthless. I’m shy and it gets in the way. Everyone thinks I’m a joke. I hate home.I hate the thought of going home after every shift. but I don’t want to stay at work….FUCK. will moving out help me? will it be my ultimate demise – being late. “relapsing” on booz? giving the wrong fat bitch my address? I wish I could quit smoking. it’s impossible to even imagine trying. A nurse at an ER maybe was flirting with me. cute. I was scared. blood coming out of my as – it makes my knees weak. shit, do I have bloody residue leaking from my asshole? I’m scared i will walk around with that nasty bloody-discharge-from-the-vagina pysch patient stank. This has not helped, writing is doing nothing to put me at ease. Maybe I should accept my wretched, suffering existence; everyone dies anyways.
What the fuck Jessica? “Thank you so much!!!!…You always have my heart also!” What was he referring to? You told your ex that he always has your heart? Why don’t you just fucking move out to him and forget about me then? You’re not talking to me. I think you don’t really like me much anymore, if at all. Maybe you’re just waiting for good time to demote me off your top 8, but you’re not much for direct confrontation. Or maybe you’re saying that to him to make me jealous.
But then again the world doesn’t revolve around me. I’ll never be able to figure you out. I honestly think you don’t like me anymore and really hurts my feelings but I still hold on to the idea you are like this with everyone. Which, anyways, would still make me no one special. I put you at number #2 because I was jealous of everyone who gets to interact with you and I don’t.
That’s it for now.
I fucked another girl I didn’t want. I didn’t even see it coming. Over and over it keeps happening. I think I know what it’s like now for people I know in recovery who just don’t understand why that last relapse happened. Even though this was no relapse. Well unofficially it might be. Afterwards, getting in my car, I didn’t feel satisfied at all. As I drove home that feeling got worse. I kind of feel like shit. And I started thinking about Jessica. Everything now is going back to the thought of Jessica. After we hung out those 2 days I felt this connection, a passion that made me feel whole again. Free. I had no desire to talk to any other girls. I only could imagine myself sharing my life with her. Distance doesn’t matter anymore. Then she ignored me again (is it on purpose? does she not like me as much as I thought? Is this just how she is? Does she not think I want to date her…) and I lost that awesome feeling. The desire to hook up with other girls came back even more intense at first; Like a mental blue balls.
did I just use the semi-colon right?
I just want her to call me so I can find out if she wants to be my girlfriend. I want that SO bad 
.
This sex and codependency issue might be from being a dry alcoholic/addict. Maybe I’m in denial. With these thoughts, recently totaling(sp?) my parent’s car, and not getting all my hospital clinicals done I am getting majorly stressed out. Maybe I am not ready mentally to become a paramedic. I am quite worried…and feeling like shit.
Jessica. We had gone to Summerfest on Sunday, and I realized then how much I liked her. I drove up to see her again Monday and I felt a connection to her that I haven’t felt in such a long time to anyone, if I ever have. I don’t know what it was. Hopefully more than just lust. I originally told her I didn’t want to date her because she lives over an hour away and that is quite annoying for a number of reasons – gas money, time spent driving, anxiety whenever I drive long distances (I’ll share the irony in a little bit) and the fact that she doesn’t drive so every time we saw each other I’d be traveling up to her.
Well, while hanging out Monday night I realized that she is worth dating. I love how cute she is. Her petite size, her voice, smile, her innocence. I like how we’re both insecure about ourselves. She is so fucking hot, but doesn’t see it. She is such a wonderful person, I don’t understand why she likes me. But I’m not going to ask questions, because I am willing to do whatever it takes not to lose her. I know that we share similar experiences – her with an eating disorder and me with an addiction (maybe a little bit of an eating disorder too *chuckle*). I did not want to let her go that night.
While on my way home I had become sleepy. I dazed in and out a little bit, though still keeping control over my steering. It was 4:00 AM. After about an hour of driving, I was 10 minutes from home. I had to wake up at 5:30 AM for work. I knew my parents would be angry with me for being out so late and the thought of pulling over and taking a nap my mind had already eliminated as a possible course of action. I’m not really sure about everything that happened next.
I remember the bumps/ridges on the side of the expressway doing their purpose and waking me up as I slowly drifted off to the left side. I think I freaked out, because I swerved to the right, and then lost control trying to overcompensate and swerved back to the left. I remember a semi-truck driving past me on my right. The next thing I remember I was in the grassy median with the airbag deployed. My first thought was “Ohhh fuck I crashed another one of my parents’ cars!! I am soo fucked!!!!! I’m making them go bankrupt!!”. I found my glasses which were thrown off my face and looked for my cellphone, but that had been ejected out of the back window and run over. I got out and smoked a cigarette waiting for someone driving by to call 911.
When the cop came he said the call was sent out as an SUV ROLLOVER. He mentioned later that the witnessess who called it in said I was hit by a semi. First off, my car definitely wasn’t an SUV. The damage, though, seems to suggest the car rolled over. The cop pointed that out. Another idea is that the damage from the back of the car was from the trailer of the semi and then being no rollover. There are more details but I’m going to move on…
I escaped uninjured except for a burn on my arm and the next day a stiff neck. Is it abnormal that I just got out, smoked a cigarette after finding my glasses and didn’t feel the least bit shaken up? Maybe it hasn’t sunken in yet, and won’t until I pass the age of subconsciously thinking I’m invincible.
I got picked up and now it was 6:00 AM and I was suppose to be at work at 7:00. Sitting at the place the car was towed to. There was no way I was going to operating an ambulance. I was seriously doubting at that point whether I should continue pursuing paramedicine. If I can’t seem to make the proper decisions to keep myself from crashing a motor vehicle, then I shouldn’t be driving an ambulance and if I can’t work in the ambulance then I have no other desire to work in healthcare. Mind you the non-driving part of being a paramedic student I am doing just fine with. My parents reassured me that the cause of my accident can be changed, and that shouldn’t stop me from pursuing my goal.
But I digress. I had work in an hour so I called in sick. Now I’m behind in the number of hours needed for my internship. Plus I have been majorly procrastinating with doing the rest of my hospital clinicals. I am not going to have them done on time. My preceptor switched shifts with someone else for tomorrow, so I’m frustrated I don’t get to work with him.
Back to the girl 
I really want to be with Jessica. Why isn’t she calling me back? I suddenly have become real clingly. I want to know if that is turning her away. How much she really likes me. Talk to me .
On a positive note – after being with Jessica those two days and losing all my numbers, I stopped caring about always being online to talk to people. I’ve lost the urge to being browsing 5 different dating sites at the same time. To be texting random girls from I’ve met from the internet. Right now I only care about getting a call from Jessica, and maybe also getting my clinicals done on time .
I hope my parents aren’t mad I put up pics of the car.
I jacked off with some KY in the shower and when I was done I forgot to put it away…and my sister just went in to take a shower!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK this is so embarrassing!!!!!
I’m angry at you jessica. Where have you been? What happened to our sleepover? I was so lonely wednesday night. Now you’ve logged on to myspace, re-added that suicidal fag onto your top, are talking to him and not me? what the fuck? I hate you. I’m tired of this shit.
Doesn’t it suck when you wake up early and you’re like “YES….I woke up early. I’m going to be on time.” But then the internet starts calling your name. Not a whisper but a shout. Almost a screaming. So you go over and decide to check your email real quick…
45 minutes pass – FUCK I’m late.
I have a family friend, Ashley, who’s 2 years younger. Growing up she was in love with me. Then I fell for her and she lost interest. Now I never see her, and every time I do, I realize how much I love her. And how much she doesn’t love me. Today she came over for my sister’s high school graduation party but only stayed for a little while so she could go out with friends. Aren’t I considered a friend anymore? I guess not. Fuck that shit. That is rude, fucking cunt.
I just watched this movie and it is one of the best movies I have ever seen. It has so much emotion and awe packed into it. I cried through half of it. The decreased budget of the film I think made it even more aesthetically pleasing http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Fountain_(film). I am fucking amazed. It totally tripped my mind out.
Realizing that a girl I like has lost interest and moved on is comparable to feigning (no spell check on mobile) for drugs. Not any easier to deal with. You better recipricate the top eightage Amy, or I know its the beginning of the end. It makes me fucking sad.
I’ve hooked up with some girls who didn’t take much effort to do so. I’ve wondered, if they were that “easy”, does that mean they have been this impulsive with other guys as well? Am I taking a greater risk at something bad happening to me (STDs, pregnancy)?
The answer is who gives a fuck?I don’t mind it. I am invincible. I like easy girls who are cute. If those didn’t exist, how would I ever get action? I don’t have anything to offer emotionally/mentally/physically to be attractive to a girl without issues. But now that I have turned into the male version of one of these girls, I realize I am a fucking dumbass. I don’t think I’m going to live very long.
Had unprotected sex…now I need to get tested and the morning after pill for the girl. Why can’t I stop???
I had the condom in my fucking pants.
This shit makes me feel lame as well, because there are other girls I actually want a relationship with and don’t want to be sleeping around and stuff. Yeah. I still want to be with them, and not hurt them. Stay loyal. Don’t fuck up.
I have yet to shower from last night/this morning (I got home at 5am). Now I’m going to go eat brunch with my family still smothered in vagina sweat and sex.
